“Jill, I know this might be difficult for you but I’m not cutting you any slack today. If anyone calls, and I mean anyone, tell them I’m not here. I don’t care if it’s the fucking President of the United State begging me to stop world War Three from happening, you tell him I’m not in. If that phone rings, I’ll do everything in my power to see that you end up working at Starbucks and having to fuck your way onto herpes commercials again”.
“Yes, Mr. Axler,” Jill the busty, blonde assistant answered.
Judas Axler, chief executive of the largest film studio on the planet, slammed his office door shut and threw himself onto the couch. He wanted to cry but he’d forgotten how it was done. He closed his eyes and prayed that he would be struck down by a bolt of lightning or a bomb would go off shredding him into chunks of meat. At least he wouldn’t have to deal with the job anymore. He could finally sleep. He would be able to do that thing the poor people do called “relax”. The concept was foreign yet it sounded absolutely delightful.
He couldn’t concentrate with the phones ringing, shouting, and the commotion of the underlings trying to meet deadlines. He thought about having Jill give him the Clinton treatment but he had promised his wife he’d try to remain faithful again for the hundredth time. The woman didn’t understand sex, power, and money run the industry. He was lucky the only children he ever had were from his wife. He wasn’t worrying about child support or mistress issues like some of his lesser executives. The thought of children made him miss his obnoxious, spoiled little brats.
He’d promised he would find time this month to see them. He’d missed their last appointment two months ago after spending the previous night partying with the latest up and coming starlets. Drugs and sex were passed around like the collection plate at church. Jude, as they called him in his circle, was there for business but those over aged, post-Mickey Mouse Club girls needed to make an impression on him. Whoring yourself out is the easiest way to get ahead in the Hollywood cluster fuck. Being top dog had its advantages.
Judas sighed and took a deep breath before sitting down at his desk and picking up the phone. He promised a movie director he’d make a call for him in exchange for the eleventh sequel in torture porn horror movie franchise. He wanted to pitch his idea for another “amazing crime drama”. He rolled his eyes as he dialed the number knowing the TV head didn’t give a shit about crime dramas. However, a promise is a promise. He would put in the call, the minimum he needed to do to bring in another few million dollars in revenue.
As Judas placed the phone to his ear, everything went eerily silent.
The sound of chaos outside the door stopped. His view of Hollywood darkened and disappeared. The phone wailed in his ear and he slammed the receiver down. He was plunged into darkness but didn’t panic. He was well aware of what was happening. There was no fear, only annoyance. He pulled out a lighter from his pocket and lit a candle on his desk.
“Not this shit again,” Judas grumbled. A bright, blinding light shined through the window and Judas turned his face away. The light disappeared and before him stood a trio of grey aliens. Their oval shaped faces and empty, diamond shaped eyes, stared at Judas. He always wondered if they stared at him because they knew it unnerved him or they genuinely looked that way all the time.
“Please let this be it,” Judas begged. As if to answer the question, there was a loud crash as the window burst in an explosion of glass. A large bi-pedal fur ball climbed into the office and howled. It drooled and panted, sniffing Judas with its tail wagging between its legs. He hated having to pet the werewolf but it wouldn’t leave him alone until he did. After Judas rubbed its belly, it took a seat on the couch. He made a note to get the office disinfected after all the freaks were gone.
“Is this it or am I going to get the whole lot of you?” Judas asked the werewolf. Judas always avoided the aliens. Telepathy was intrusive and awkward. They knew when Judas lied and they could also erase and implant memories into his head. It felt violating having them inside his head. Judas liked having his mind be his own. The werewolf shrugged his shoulders and pointed to the door.
The door slammed open and more monsters entered the room. Dracula led the pack, black cape trailing behind him as Jill followed obviously in a trance. Her eyes were even more vacant than normal. Frankenstein’s monster trailed behind him dragging his massive bulk toward the desk. Judas never understood how that patchwork golem of ancient flesh and bone stayed together. But then again, he was a movie studio head, not the deranged scientist who created him.
Behind Frankenstein, three zombies shambled into the office. The stench of rot and decay made Judas want to vomit. Judas had puked the last time, and the zombies made a stink about it. They were offended. These walking biological nightmares actually get offended when someone pukes around them. The freaks of nature stood in front of Jude’s desk except for the werewolf. It had curled up on the couch with its eyes closed, snoring lightly.
“Is this all of you now or is Rupaul’s uglier step sister on his way too?” Judas asked.
“You know him, always needs to make an entrance,” Dracula answered as he unbuttoned Jill’s shirt. She giggled happily pushing her chest out for emphasis. He groped her large, exposed breasts and smiled
“Ahh, real ones!” Dracula announced before sinking his fangs into the right one.
“Yeah, those are a rarity out here,” Judas replied.
Dracula made deep slurping noises as Jill moaned. The drawing of blood awoke the werewolf and he circled Jill, sniffing her behind. His arousal was evident to the rest of the room. Judas turned his head away from the display but had nowhere to look besides the ceiling. The zombies moaned in hunger.
They had done this to previous assistants too. He’d come to accept this as their version of having a drink while attending a meeting. While he liked Jill for her “talents”, she was an awful assistant. If she had been any good, he would have asked Dracula to stop. Old Vlad was a nice enough guy to let the girls live. Sometimes. Plus, if all of them were here for a meeting, he didn’t want them agitated. He didn’t want to end up someone’s dinner.
Dracula finished and released Jill onto the floor, drained, wrinkled, and dying. She was still smiling and moaning. At least, she wasn’t feeling any pain.
“If anyone else wants a bite before we start, I’m finished.” Dracula invited. The zombies shambled forward and dropped to their knees. Judas turned away from the sound of flesh being ripped and loud chewing. Once it stopped, Judas turned to face the monsters again. Jill had already transformed into a zombie. Her entrails spilled out of her throat and touched the floor. Judas held back the vomit remembering the zombies would be offended. Jill was one of them now and he did not want to offend her after all she had been through.
“Well, now that I need to find a new assistant, can we get this show on the road?” Judas asked the monsters before him.
“NOT UNTIL I AM PRESENT!” a voice boomed from all corners of the room. There was a bright flash and everything in the room burst into flames. The Devil appeared at the head of the group, pitchfork in hand, and pointy, red horns on his head. This was not going to be pleasant experience.
“Of course not my dark lord, I wouldn’t dream of starting without you. Could you please not set my building on fire? I kinda like it the way it is,” Judas asked.
“Yeah, yeah, sure, sure,” The Devil fluttered his hand and the room returned to normal. The werewolf thankfully stopped barking.
“I’m so happy to see my number one clients all gathered here today. What can I do for you?” Judas said putting on his fakest smile.
“We made a deal and you aren’t holding up your end of the bargain. Do you want to go back to being a mortal again? Or worse, an agent?” the Devil asked with a fiendish smile.
“I’m hurt, my prince of evil. How have I not kept up my end?” Judas asked getting straight to the heart of the matter.
“Your job was to restore belief in us. What part of, belief, did you not understand? Rosemary’s Baby was the best you can do for my Demon Caucus?” the Devil asked with concept in his voice.
“Yes, people are talking about you now,” Jude argued.
“We are all fucking pissed about the piss poor job you’re doing, actually,” Dracula announced.
“How can you be pissed at what I’ve done? I’ve put all of you at the front and center of popular media. Twilight, I,Frankenstein, The Walking Dead, Underworld, Prometheus, how have I not held my end of the bargain? Some of you aren’t exactly giving me much to work with. You monsters are so damned unappreciative!” Judas shouted.
“Rosemary’s Baby isn’t even about me! What kind of shit are you trying to pull? I’m the Master of Lies, the Deceiver of Man, and yet here you are, trying to pull one over me!” the Devil shouted.
“It re-enforces belief in demons, doesn’t it? Your caucus should be satisfied. I don’t even know why you need me, you have an entire religion dedicated to being afraid of you,” Judas argued.
“They’re not afraid of us, they’re afraid of Jesus sending them to Hell because they masturbate thinking about their cousins. The only true believers we have are Goth kids and schizophrenics. Atheists are killing us off and rationality is taking hold all over. Media is all we have left,” the Devil argued.
“And what were you thinking with Twilight?” Dracula asked.
“Let’s take this one at a time. How am I supposed to talk with the non-English speakers here? I don’t exactly understand groans and barks,” Judas stated.
We will translate for you
“For now, stay outta my fucking head, thank you very much,” Judas yelled at the Grey Men. They nodded their overly large heads in agreement. He hoped they would topple over but pushed the thought out of his head. They could have still been listening in.
“What are you going to do for me?” the Devil asked.
“I’ve got this torture porn movie that I got this guy making. I’ll have it re-written to be about a Satanist cult sacrificing and torturing humans in your name. At the end, I’ll have the world worshipping you as the one true God. We’ll release a whole entire new franchise about devil worshippers, cult mentality, and a bunch of other dark, depressing shit. All, “based on true stories” to make it extra messed up” Judas pitched.
“I think it sounds great. How about another Exorcist movie?” the Devil asked.
“Do you know how bad the sequels were? I’d rather have Elizabeth Hurley do another Bedazzled, at least people will want to sin to someone other than their cousins, if you know what I mean. Now who’s next?” Judas replied.
“Twilight, just, what the fuck? It’s like you are purposefully trying to kill us both. I know the werewolf is pissed about that too,” Dracula stated.
The werewolf is more pissed about Underworld. Interbreeding species? Twilight is killing him too. He’d like to know how this was going to restore belief and fear.
“Okay, you guys are mad about Twilight, I get it. But bestiality and necrophilia are hot now guys. You’re more popular than ever, so I did my job. The last time anyone was afraid of a werewolf or vampire was the Middle Ages. Those days are done. Re-branding your image has helped a ton. Anne Rice paved the way for the sexy, emo vampires withInterview with the Vampire. Stephenie Meyer made you heart throbs in Twilight. True Bloodmade you sexy and monstrous. Sorry, but you guys are sexy now.”
“And sexy is good. It means defenseless, horny men and women throwing themselves at you for the slaughter. No more chasing victims through the woods in the full moon light. No more turning into a bat and sneaking in windows like a creepo. You won’t need permission to be allowed into their bedrooms, they’ll be dying for you to come in. All the Jill’s of the world are at your feet,” Judas explained.
The Werewolf and Dracula looked at each other as if in conversation. The Aliens were translating. Judas watched until Dracula turned to him.
“We want more. What can you give us?” Dracula demanded.
“You get nothing more from me. You’ve had 30 Days of Night, Let the Right One In, and *Fright Night under your belt alone, Vlad. You share Twilight, Underworld, and True Blood. The werewolves need help for sure. All I had for them was Teen Wolf. MTV is horrible, and I know how awful that it, but its only temporary. I’ll have my assistant schedule….I’ll schedule an appointment with Wolfmen United after the full-moon. We’ll talk one on one, Fido. You, on the other hand, Vlad, are being greedy,” Jude countered.
The Werewolf howled and wagged his tail. Judas petted him on the head. It’s as good a handshake. Dracula backed away from the desk. Frankenstein’s monster remained still since he entered.
“Okay, Frankie, what’s your malfunction?” Jude asked.
“IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII,FFFFFFFFFRRRRRRAAAAAANNNNNNKKKKKKKKEEEEEENNNNNNSSSSSTTTTIIIIIEEENNNNNN,” he grumbled.
“Ohhh…that. Yeah, ugh, can’t win them all, huh?” Judas responded nervously.
Please, we have things to do today. Frankenstein’s monster is a little slow for our pace. He is upset about the horrible reception of “I, Frankenstein”. He’s offended by “Frankenwinnie” and believes you want him and his audience to die of boredom.
“Frankie, listen, it’s hard to acknowledge the truth but facts are facts, you guys stopped being scary a long time ago.Van Helsing wasn’t bad but there’s only so much we can do. We can try to make The Munsters come back but it might go down the MTV route. You’ll be hip and cool. We can schedule another appointment to talk alone to work out the details. There’s also the option of going down the Twilight route. Imagine a love story about a girl putting together her perfect man. Jennifer Aniston and Frankenstein, the romcom horror movie everyone’s been dying to see. Are you comfortable with being sexy?” Judas said.
He wants to iron clad deal. He still remembers that Frankenstein vs. Godzilla did not happen. He says he got replaced by an ape.
“Yeah, I remember that. King Kong took your spot. Where’s he been since 2005?”
“Retired in Florida” The Devil answered.
“Good for him. At least someone is trying to enjoy their life. Frankie, I promise to get the ball rolling. Do you believe me?” Judas asked. Frankenstein’s bolts squealed as he nodded and grumbled. Judas shivered knowing his work would be cut out for him. No one cared about Frankenstein anymore.
The Zombies would like to go next. They would like to thank you for the meal before they begin
“I’m glad you enjoyed Jill and she is among the ranks of the undead now. Go on,” Judas said impatiently.
They’re happy with what you have done for them and wish to thank you.
“Finally some fucking appreciation!” Judas shouted.
However, they are offended by the context of their surge in popularity. They do not like being the constant enemy in media, especially video games.
“I don’t handle video games. They’ll have to talk to someone else for that”.
They don’t like being Nazis either, they find them offensive.
“They’re rotting corpses that tear people apart and eat them alive. Yet they’re sensitive to being Nazis. Gimme a break,” Jude replied.
They find the act of necrophilia disturbing.
“Don’t we all? What the hell are you talking about?”
“It’s Romeo and Juliette with zombies. It’s Shakespeare for Christ’s sake, the epitome of artistic expression. Everyone loves Romeo and Juliette,” Judas argued. The Devil cringed at the mention of Christ.
They didn’t like Zombieland either. It made them feel trivial.
“You guys are trivial. Literally, in a matter of moments, you ate my assistant and made her a part of the gang. You’re all cannon fodder as far as I am concerned. You’re the hottest item on the market right now. You’ve cornered books, movies, video games, and television. People actually think a zombie apocalypse is going to happen! There’s nothing to complain about so you make up petty offenses and slights. Drama queens is what you are! Go get shot in the fucking head!” Judas screamed at undead.
They’re finished. That leaves us, at last.
Can’t you just write to me?
No, we are amused by your discomfort.
You guys are assholes, but I’m sure you already knew that. What’s your malfunction?
The Extraterrestrial Enclave isn’t happy at all. Xenomorphs are upset about Prometheus. Predators are pissed about NOT being in Prometheus. They’re both mad about Alien vs. Predator. It was nothing like Freddy vs. Jason. And we are pretty ticked about not being included in anything lately.
No one’s been afraid of little green men since the 1950’s. They want fancy, weirdo looking guys like Xenos and Predators. How can I pit you guys to fight against Arnold Schwarzenegger? He’d kick your asses into E.T.’s basket.
You made him Danny Devito’s twin. Anything is possible if you put your mind to it.
How about Signs? That was pretty terrifying.
M. Night Shyamalan? Mel Gibson? That was awful. Never again.
A moment passed before the entire room exploded into agreement.
“Shyamalan doesn’t touch any of us. I want that written in blood,” the Devil screamed while slitting his wrists. The stench of Sulphur filled the room. The blood set the carpet on fire. Even Frankenstein’s monster’s metallic groan expressed the sheer displeasure of the Shyamalan name.
“Fine, fine, fine, it’s settled. No Shyamalan. But you can’t well expect me to get Peter Jackson, Christopher Nolan, or James Cameron for any of you,” Judas responded.
Don’t even think about Uwe Boll or we will forcibly remove it from your memory.
Can you please remove his movies from the collective memory of the human race? Judas requested.
Glad to see that we agree. Try to get Men in Black and the Prometheus sequels on track. We’d like X-Files to return as well. I think it would be a benefit to humanity. The Enclave is thankful. We will continue to allow you talking apes to live.
I’ll make sure that I do. Now, if you would kindly get the fuck out of my head, I would appreciate it.
Judas felt a weight come off his mind.
“Now, if everyone has expressed their displeasure like I am the customer service department at Comcast, I would like to get back to work now. I’m sure you guys will see yourselves out,” Judas said.
“Do not fail us or next time our visit will not be so pleasant,” the Devil threatened as he left in a fiery display of unholy fire. The room burst into flames again causing the monsters to recoil. The Devil melted into a puddle of slime and disappeared in the conflagration.
“We shall talk more,” Dracula said before morphing into a bat and flying out the window into the darkness. The Werewolf followed howling into the void and jumping out the window.
We wish they had waited until we restarted this dimension of time. Good bye, Mr. Axler.
A light flashed and the aliens disappeared. The view of Hollywood reappeared out the window and the noise outside his office returned. Frankenstein and the zombies (along with Jill) shambled out the door.
“Aren’t you guys going to try to at least hide yourself?” Judas asked concerned about his staff’s safety.
“AAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCTTTTTTOOOOOOORRRRRRRSSSSSSSSS,” Frankenstein answered. They shambled out into the hall together. Judas heard everyone complimenting Jill’s zombie outfit. Judas picked up the photograph of his children from his desk and admired them. If he managed to keep these monsters happy for the next one hundred years, the gift of immortality would be theirs too.
“There’s no rest for the wicked,” Judas said aloud. He picked up the phone and dialed the TV head.
There were a few things of his own he needed to pitch now.